


Sunburn

by sugargaze



Series: Decoding [3]
Category: Tiny Meat Gang (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous Yearning, Day At The Beach, Denial, Driving, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Male Friendship, Marijuana, Shame, Sharing Clothes, Sleep Deprivation, Soft Boys, a lil Pop-Punk Discourse, breakfast burritos, mental health, sharing food
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-07-08 10:53:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19868431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugargaze/pseuds/sugargaze
Summary: Noel spends the day with Cody after their difficult night.





	1. Morning Light

Noel’s eyes slowly fluttered open, the man blinking repeatedly to try and adjust to the brightness of the room. The sun was pouring in through the windows and it filled the space with light. Spots and stripes of saturated brightness were reflected around the room from the mirrors he’d noticed the night before. The whole space felt like he had woken up inside of a dream.

He propped himself up on his elbows and looked at the empty spot where Cody should have been. Noel then sat up on the edge of the bed and reached for his phone only to discover that it had died sometime during the night. He got up and threw it on Cody’s charging mat before continuing to the living room.

“Yo, the light’s crazy in there, we should…” Noel trailed off. He looked around and realized Cody wasn’t home.

Noel went to the fridge and pulled out a bottled water, crushing it in one go. He looked on the fridge and around the kitchen to see if Cody had left a note but he didn’t find anything. He shuffled back to Cody’s room to see if his phone had turned back on and was relieved to see the screen was alight.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Verizon 3G 7:57AM

_Aleena (2 Messages)_

6:03 AM Just now seeing your text. Thanks for letting me know. Hope he’s okay.

6:47 AM Took the prince out, walker is coming around noon. See you tonight. <3

_Cody (2 Messages)_

7:14 AM I’m bringing home a breakfast feast and I need you ready to chomp, don’t eat anything

7:15 AM I know you’re prob still sleeping but should be back 8ish just in case

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Noel walked around the bed to get his clothes and get dressed and discovered they weren’t where he left them. He figured Cody probably threw them in the wash in some early bird cleaning frenzy and helped himself to some joggers and a shirt. He stood in front of a mirror and was attempting to fix his hair the best he could when he heard the muffled sound of a hip hop baseline approach and then abruptly stop.

Cody was back.

Noel heard the jingling of keys and the sound of Cody setting down bags. He followed the sound into the kitchen.

“Hey, man. Look at you, Mr. Productive,” he teased Cody.

Cody smiled weakly. He had Ray-Bans on and his hair was crazy. Imagine a sea anemone made out of fur.

“Oh, hey, good morning. I didn’t think you’d actually be awake. Yeah, I just realized I had basically nothing here for breakfast which is insane.”

Cody started to take stuff out of the bags and set the food up on the dining room table. He’d bought breakfast potatoes, 5 different breakfast burritos, a greens salad, a fruit salad, and what looked like an entire carrot cake.

“Jesus, dude. You hosting the entire block?” Noel ribbed.

Cody chucked. “God, I know. You know how it is, though – you get there and you’re hungry and everything sounds good and you can’t decide so you basically just get one of everything.”

Noel actually didn’t know, but he nodded anyway.

“Do you need my help with anything?” Noel asked Cody.

“Uh, no, man. I’m just gonna grab water and sit down. You can go ahead and start eating.”

Cody walked into the kitchen and grabbed some glasses of water for him and Noel.

“I see you managed to dress yourself while I was gone,” Cody yelled to Noel from the fridge.

“Oh, yeah. I just grabbed the shirt you offered me last night and some random joggers, hope it’s okay.”

Cody walked back to the table. “Yeah, dude, of course. I had some clothes that needed to be washed so I went ahead and threw yours in. Dryer should be almost done. Also, how fucking comfortable is that shirt? It’s literally falling apart but I refuse to get rid of it.”

Cody finally sat down. He took his sunglasses off and ran his hands through his hair. He looked incredibly strung out.

Noel picked a burrito and tore open the packaging. They sat in silence for a minute as they ate and Noel tried to figure out what to say to Cody.

“How much sleep did you manage to get last night?” Noel asked before taking a big bite.

Cody’s face was essentially inside of his burrito that he’d somehow managed to eat half of already. He held a finger up to signal to Noel that he had to chew.

“I actually- I’ve just been up the whole time. I didn’t even bother sleeping. I figured it would just make me more tired since my body won’t really let me sleep past 7 anyway.”

Noel questioned the logic of this idea but nodded anyway. They shared silence for a little while until Noel couldn’t take it anymore. He looked at Cody, watching him open another burrito.

“So… obviously you were able to go out, but how’re you, like, feeling-feeling?”

Cody took a huge big bite and Noel could see him thinking about it as he chewed.

“Um…” Cody said, wiping his mouth. “I mean, I feel better. I think… I don’t know. I think I need to just take better care of myself. Just really, like, power through it. I think not really eating for so many days fucked me up. I think that’s why my muscles were so weird last night. That’s not usually something that happens when I have panic attacks.”

“That makes sense, actually,” Noel responded, nodding. “Like your electrolytes and minerals and shit got messed up.”

“Yeah, exactly.” Cody demolished most of the rest of his burrito in one bite.

Noel was full so he was just chilling now, leaning back in his chair and watching Cody eat breakfast potatoes. The man was using his fingers to pick up individual pieces and then popping them into his mouth.

“So, uh… are we, like… are we gonna talk about what was on the video?” Noel asked gently.

Cody stopped chewing for a second and looked at Noel before continuing and swallowing his food.

“I mean, I guess, right? I’m just not sure what there is to talk about.”

Noel scratched at his jaw and looked at the ceiling.

“I mean, I guess my questions is, like, what’s your plan, you know? You got so fucked up from this that your body seemed like it was shutting down.”

Cody tried to maintain Noel’s eye contact but found it difficult, alternating looking at the man and the napkin he was now shredding in his hands.

Noel continued, “Like, you know I love you but you look like shit right now. You’re not sleeping enough, you’re not eating enough, like… how… what’re you doing?”

Cody gently lifted his hands and shook his head. “I don’t know, Noel. I mean, I went and got all this food today, so… that’s something, right?”

Noel sighed and nodded. He wasn’t really sure what he expected or wanted to hear from Cody.

“I just think… you know, I think it might be time for you to talk to someone about this," Noel said apologetically. "If I could help you with this shit, I totally would. Anxiety? I got you on that, I’m basically an expert at this point. But.. this other stuff? I have no fucking clue, dude.”

Cody looked at Noel for a moment and then nodded before crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair. He closed his eyes and let his neck hang back.

Cody took a deep breath. “I just…” he started before trailing off, shaking his head gently while still leaning back.

“I just… don’t want to deal with this right now.”

Cody was beginning to cry, clearly fighting it but the strain and trembling in his jaw and neck gave him away.

“I know, man,” Noel said as gently as he could. “I know.”

Noel watched Cody breath shakily for a minute as he fought back tears. Eventually Cody brought his head forward and put his elbows on the table, supporting his face in one hand. A single tear ran down his cheek.

“I just… I don’t understand why I can’t keep existing the way I did before.”

Cody’s eyes were continuously welling and threatening to spill over. He sniffed and wiped his nose, shaking his head, before grasping his biceps across his chest. He looked at Noel before continuing.

“I just, I feel stuck, man. Like, I hear you, I hear what you’re saying, and, like, I don’t expect you to fix me or whatever. But… my whole life I’ve figured shit out on my own. I’ve always prided myself on doing shit on my own and not needing anyone else to help me do whatever it is that I needed to do.”

Cody began to tremble and pulled his shoulders up, trying to fight the tears back as he continued to talk.

“It’s not a big deal. It doesn’t matter, none of this matters. I’ve been perfectly fine just dating women and being straight my whole life. I’m fucking almost 30 now, I’m not… I’m not starting over.”

Noel felt himself being pulled down the rabbit hole with Cody. He’d been there before. Not for the same reasons, but he’d been there.

“Cody, I don’t… I don’t know much, man, but it’s pretty obvious to me that you’re not thinking about this right. The person you were before this, or I guess… before feeling like you had to come to terms with this, you don’t have to get rid of that person. The options aren’t (a) repress your feelings until it kills you or (b) dump your life as you know it and join a season of Drag Race.”

Cody gave a quick chuckle but he continued to weep silently, now shielding both eyes with his hand as he listened to Noel.

“Think about it, man. Nothing about your life actually has to change. It can, right? It can if you want it to, but if you don’t want that, then you don’t want that, and that’s okay.”

Cody just shook his head.

“I don’t…” Noel started and then trailed off. “Maybe I’m just a hetero dumbass but I don’t really understand what the conflict is here. I understand it’s scary to have to confront this kinda taboo thing about yourself, but this isn’t… you didn’t kill anyone, man. You didn’t blow all your money, you didn’t cheat on your girl, you didn’t… you know, whatever. I’m just- I don’t know. I should probably shut up. Like I said, I’m… I’m way out of my element here, man.”

Cody sat back in his chair again and gazed sadly at Noel as the tears continued to well. He closed his eyes and took several shaky breaths.

“I don’t understand how to explain how I feel,” Cody practically whispered. “It’s not… it’s not even that I think there’s something wrong with… you know, how I feel sometimes or whatever. I’m not religious or conservative or shit like that. I don’t think I’m going to hell or that I’m some kind of cultural problem or whatever. I guess it’s just the realization that I have this part of me that’s been… sitting in the dark. I’ve so neglected it and abused it and suppressed it that I don’t even know… I don’t even know what it likes, how strong it is. It’s like there’s been a beast inside of me that I always averted my eyes from, and now it’s running loose and I don’t know what to do with it.”

Noel had an odd feeling in his chest as he listened to Cody describe his turmoil. It reminded him of how he felt the first time he saw a simulation of a star collapsing, or that old grainy footage of the mushroom cloud that formed during early nuclear tests. He understood that Cody was changing, or maybe more accurately revealing himself, rapidly and irreversibly, and in a way that Noel couldn’t slow or contain.

Cody continued, “I can’t even tell you how scary it was watching that video back, dude. It was like… watching a horror movie but I was the star and it… it wasn’t a movie. It was like watching a scary documentary.”

Cody made a weird face and chuckled as he realized what he’d said, seemingly breaking himself from the spell of sadness he’d fallen under.

“Jesus, what the fuck am I saying… a scary documentary? What? What am I even talking about, like Blackfish? Is Blackfish a scary documentary? I can’t even think of an example.”

Noel chuckled gently. “It’s okay, man. I can’t even imagine what your brain feels like right now.”

“I’m an orca in a tiny tank, that’s actually what all of this is about,” Cody joked weakly. He brought his shirt up to dry off his face and then let his hands collapse in his lap as he took a deep but still shaky breath.

“We don’t…” Noel started. “You know what, this probably isn’t the best time to be talking about this anyway. I probably shouldn’t have brought it up so soon. Why don’t you just get some sleep? We don’t really have anything planned today that can’t be rescheduled. We had the merch thing and the studio time with Spock but those are easy to move.”

Cody shook his head and blew his nose in his napkin shreds. “I don’t know, I’m afraid my sleep schedule is just going to get more fucked up. I think I’m going to try to stay awake most of the day and then maybe crash at like 8 PM to give myself some chance of normality.”

Noel didn’t know enough about sleep to know if this was a good idea so he didn’t say anything.

“You wanna go somewhere?” Cody asked abruptly, still sniffling. His face was animated but his voice sounded odd, still tense and worn and clearly broadcasting that he’d just been crying. “I’m afraid if I just hang out here I’m gonna fall asleep at my desk and get even more fucked up.”

“I… don’t know about that, man. Where would you even wanna go?” Noel asked.

Cody furrowed his brow and looked at the table.

“You wanna go to the beach?” he asked.

“Wait, you wanna surf? You want to surf like this?” Noel asked in disbelief.

Cody flashed a small smile and shook his head. “No, I- I know, that would be crazy. I’d drown for sure. But you wanna like, I don’t know, there’s a beach that Marcus was telling me about. Apparently it’s not good for surfing but it has all these tide pools that get little, like, critters in them and stuff so they’re fun to look at.”

“Critters?” Noel queried gently.

“Wh- yeah, what’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with ‘critters’?”

Noel narrowed his eyes. “Mmmm….”

“Oh my god, I can’t with this shit right now. Would you want to go or not?”

Noel thought about it for a momenet. He didn’t actually like the beach but he’d rather go with Cody than sit at home and try to edit while wondering if Cody was getting dried out like a jellyfish in the sun.

“Sure, man. Let’s go to the beach.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ you can find me on tumblr here](https://sodaplease.tumblr.com/)


	2. Ocean Avenue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is ~~us~~ fluff

Noel adjusted the driver’s seat while Cody scrolled back through his texts with Marcus to find the location.

“Bruh, why do you sit so far from the steering wheel?” Noel asked in frustration as he pressed a series of buttons.

“Uh, I don’t, you’re just a small, small man,” Cody replied.

Noel fumbled with the air conditioner. He pointed all the vents at Cody and then turned the fan on high at 60 degrees F.

“Jesus, what the fuck…” Cody swatted at the vents without looking up from his phone. “Okay, found it.”

The location popped up on the navigation screen on the dash.

“TWO HOURS!?” Noel exclaimed.

“I know, I know, it’s far, but it’s all Pacific Coast. It will be nice. It’s a beautiful day. What else are we doing?” Cody pleaded. He thought he made a compelling case.

Noel exhaled dramatically but conceded. “Let’s go look at some fucking critters, dog.”

It was Noel’s first time driving the Jeep since Cody bought it. It was Cody’s first big splurge, something Cody had wanted to buy since they borrowed it for the shoot but he couldn’t justify it at the time.

It took them almost 30 minutes just to get on the highway, but Cody was right. It was beautiful.

They drove with the windows down and Cody’s hair flew wildly as the air moved through the car. The sky and the sea were perfectly blue and just barely contrasting each other on the horizon point. They played their favorite songs: the old shit, the new shit, the shit that they only dared listen to with one another. The playlist jumped from Fleetwood Mac to SZA to Nas and everything in between. A song from Hamilton snuck in there and Noel skipped it without commentary. Cody insisted on Milly Rocking even during the slow songs but Noel didn’t fight it. He was just happy to see Cody happy, or happier, or happy-ish.

Cody had been taking draws on Noel’s CBD pen throughout the trip. Noel wrestled it out of Cody’s hands at some point and took a couple hits, just enough to relax the tension in his neck. The small dose of relief made him crave more. He paused the music to talk to Cody.

“Hey, you cool if we stop in Milagro? There’s a dispensary just off the exit and I’d like to have some prerolls if I’m gonna be watching you be on your Little Mermaid shit all day.”

Cody shook his head. “God, your life is hard. Also, for sure, we can stop wherever you want. Maybe we can get some coffee too while we’re there, just really fuck our shit all the way up.”

Noel groaned. “God, coffee would be so good right now… I think you were joking but I really think we should split something.”

Cody nodded and made a new music selection on his phone. He turned the sound back on and Frank Ocean’s Blonde began to play.

Eventually they made it to their exit and Noel navigated to the strip mall and parked. It took Noel and Cody all of 5 minutes to divide and conquer and get what they needed before piling back in the car. There was an artisan coffee shop just two storefronts down from the dispensary.

“What’d you get us?” Noel asked Cody as he turned on the car.

“I got us… oh fuck, I forgot what it’s called.” Cody examined the cup to see if they had put a label on it.

“God, I’m so dumb. I don’t know the exact name but it’s basically just cold brew with a special kind of milk in it.”

Noel raised his eyebrows. “Special milk, huh?”

Cody sipped the drink and rolled his eyes back in his head for dramatic effect. “Yeah, the purest raw nut milk, freshly extracted this morning by a guy with a neck tattoo who was also the one to ring me up.”

Noel smirked. “Let me try some of that.”

Noel grabbed the coffee from Cody and took a small sip.

“Yo, what?” Noel said before taking another sip. “This might be the best iced coffee I’ve ever had.”

“It better be. It was like $15.”

Noel choked and coughed. “Are you joking?”

“No, look.” Cody held up the receipt.

Noel scanned the receipt and immediately slammed the coffee cup into the holder. He jumped out of the car and turned his hat around before marching towards the coffee shop.

“Wh- what’re you doing?!” Cody yelled out the window.

“I’m about to end these fools ‘cause they robbed my boy,” Noel yelled dramatically before swinging open the door.

Cody laughed nervously to himself. Noel’s dedication to a bit was unparalleled and probably a little bit stupid.

Several minutes later Noel came back to the car carrying a small bakery bag.

“Dude, I was getting worried,” Cody admitted.

Noel opened the door. “I got you a scone, brother.”

Noel climbed into his seat and tossed the bag onto Cody’s lap.

“You got me a scone?” Cody asked in an innocent voice.

Noel smiled. “Everyone in that shop was so freaked out. I think they genuinely thought I was going on a rampage...”

“Jesus, dude,” Cody whispered.

“… so I bought a scone to pretend like I was a normal person and not a sleep deprived maniac.”

Cody opened the bag and sniffed inside. “Honestly, I’m going to keep believing you just got this for me out of the goodness of your heart.”

“Well, I mean… that’s not _not_ true, right? I could have gotten something for myself,” Noel argued.

“Mmm, yeah, I guess, but we both know you’re not really into food. You’re kind of a fake fan.”

Noel chuckled. “Just eat the fucking scone, Cody.”

Cody tore off a huge piece and shoved it into his mouth.

“I LOVE CARBS, BABY!” Cody yelled with his mouth full as Noel backed up the car.

They were back on the highway within minutes.

“Could we maybe listen to something else?” Noel asked gently.

Cody frowned. “Why, you don’t like Frankie? Not a fan of Mr. Ocean?”

“No, I- I do like him, I like all his stuff actually, it’s just a little… you know, a little sad-boy feeling right now. Almost a little too on the nose, you know?”

Cody grimaced. “Huh… yeah, I can find something better, give me a sec.”

Cody scrolled through his Spotify before finding the perfect selection. “Oh, I know you’ll like this.”

A pop-punk melody with a violin backing stared to play.

“Wait, what is this?” Noel asked, obviously confused.

Cody turned the music up. “It’s Yellowcard. I know you’re a big Yellowcard fan.”

“Uh… I don’t… who told you that?” Noel asked with suspicion as he turned the music back down.

“Noel, you talk about them all the time. Yellowcard is your favorite violin-backed pop-punk band that could only have thrived in the fever dream of the early 2000s.”

Noel furrowed his brow and looked at Cody who was now turning the music back up.

“Wow, great… great memory, Cody. Really glad you listen to me when I talk about music. Yellowcard is in fact my favorite pop-punk band that has a string instrument in it for no fucking reason whatsoever.”

“That’s what homies are for, man,” said Cody smugly.

They sat in silence for the duration of the song. Noel braced himself for the next track but the same one started playing again.

“Okay, seriously? I can’t do this, Cody. Come on. We have over half an hour left of driving.”

Cody cracked and laughed quietly to himself. “I’m sorry, I’m fucking with you. I couldn't resist. I’ll put some real music on.”

Noel shook his head and mumbled under his breath. “Fuckin’… warped tour head-ass…”

“Now this? This is a real fucking jam,” Cody bragged as he made another selection.

_I've been here all night (Ariana)_ _/ I've been here all daAaAy (Nicki Minaj)_

“Oh my god, Cody, I swear to god…” _  
And boOoOooOOoy, got me walkin' side to side (Let them hoes know)_

“I will crash this fucking car. This song is a war crime when you’re sleep deprived. I will have you prosecuted.”

Cody was cracking up now. He was very impressed with himself.

Noel snapped, now laughing too. “You are so stupid. Give me your phone, you bitch.” He poked Cody in the side to disarm him and grabbed the man’s phone. He brought it to his mouth.

“Hey Siri, play Wild Wild West by Will Smith.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ you can find me on tumblr here ](https://sodaplease.tumblr.com/)


	3. Dope

Noel thankfully did not end up having to crash the car or have charges brought against Cody in an international court of law. They found lot parking just off the beach, about a mile down from a pier. The view just from the car was breathtaking – the sky had a thin layer of wispy clouds that muted the sun, making everything look like it was illuminated with a soft light that cast no shadows. Noel thought about how much he wished he’d brought a better camera and craned his head to look along the shore.

“Are we allowed to be here? We’re basically the only people here other than those sunbathing grannies over there.”

Cody looked too. “Uh… I don’t see any signs or anything saying the beach is closed. I mean, worst case scenario they kick us out, so...”

Noel shoved his phone, keys, and pre-rolls into his fanny pack and the boys climbed out of the car. Noel grabbed his water and watched Cody pick up the container of fruit salad he’d brought from home.

“Did you bring forks?” Noel asked.

“…no,” replied Cody.

Noel sighed and started walking towards the beach with Cody by his side.

“You did grab sunscreen though, right?” Noel asked.

“Uhhh…” Cody hesitated.

“Bro, what? Do you have a fetish for bad tan lines? Do they not teach sun safety in Canada?”

Cody ignored him. They made it to the edge of the lot and removed their shoes. They stepped onto the brown sand that was burning hot and incredibly soft, making walking suddenly much more difficult.

Noel continued talking to fill Cody’s silence. “I don’t mean to rag on you like a dad, but man… you got… you got mayonnaise where the melanin should be. You gotta be careful with that shit.”

“Fuck off,” Cody muttered.

They walked in silence along the shore, having come to a mutual but unspoken agreement that they would be setting up under the pier where there was shade. The surface of the beach had transformed into a weird mix of rocks and sand and shells that made them tip toe and wobble like toddlers as they walked.

They found a place under the pier structure far from the water’s edge and dropped their belongings and rolled up their pant legs.

“Do you want my hat?” Noel asked Cody as he pulled a pre-roll from his pack.

“Jesus Christ, Noel. I’m fine. Believe it or not, I survive when I’m not with you,” Cody said before bee-lining for the nearest tide pool.

“Oof,” Noel said quietly to himself as he watched Cody walk away. They had officially spent too much time together. He brought himself down to sit on a flat patch of sand and lit a joint.

For the next hour, Noel alternated between watching Cody crouch down to investigate tide pools and checking business emails. Nothing exciting had come in and he felt uncharacteristically relieved.

“Noel, come here,” Cody called. Noel looked up and saw that he was about 300 feet away, standing up with one hand on his hip, the other beckoning wildly. “Come on, trust me,” Cody pleaded.

Noel pushed himself up and slowly made his way to Cody.

“Jesus, how did you make it all the way out there without killing yourself?” Noel whined loudly when he was about half way, wincing as he stepped on increasingly uneven rocks and shells.

“I’m not a pussy bitch like you,” Cody responded, way louder than was necessary.

Noel finally made it to where Cody was standing.

“I know this isn’t usually your thing…“ Cody started.

“Holy shit,” Noel whispered as he stood beside Cody.

Cody had found a large tide pool about the diameter of their bodies. It looked to be about 3, maybe 4 feet deep, and every inch of it was teeming with sea life. There were different kinds of sea anemones, star fish, mussels, several species of small crabs, seaweeds, algae, and other things that Noel couldn’t identify. Something about the clarity of the water and the intensity of the colors and textures made the whole thing look fake.

“Crazy, right?” Cody said softly.

Noel was speechless and crouched down now to get a better look.

“Why is this one so… dense compared to the other ones I passed walking over here?” Noel asked without looking up from the surface of the pool.

Cody shook his head and crouched down to be closer to Noel. “I have no idea. This one seems to definitely be one of the bigger ones, maybe the biggest one. Maybe that makes it more… healthy or something, I don’t know.”

“Can you… can you, like, touch stuff?” Noel asked, sounding small and unsure like a child.

Cody fought back a smile. He felt that strange feeling of pride that occurs when you get to show a friend something cool for the first time.

“I haven’t, but you probably could if you were gentle. That star fish looks like a chiller.”

Noel braced himself and slowly and gently broke the still surface of the pool, submerging his hand about wrist deep. He very gently ran his ring finger several times over the arm of a pink starfish.

“God, that’s so fucking dope,” he said as he pulled his hand out and dried himself on his joggers.

Cody chuckled. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone pet anything with their ring finger.”

Noel continued to examine the pool. “Oh, uh… I don’t know if it’s true, but Aleena told me it’s the gentlest finger on your hand. Like, if you watch women put on eye cream, they usually use their ring fingers so they don’t pull on their skin or whatever.”

Cody reflected on this idea while Noel stood up to look at the pool from another vantage point. He watched a crab not much larger than his thumb propel himself along the bottom of the pool and land on a weird green blob.

“Yo, what… what is that thing? It looks like a mossy twinkie,” Noel wondered aloud.

Cody squinted. “Oh, that’s a sea cucumber, I’m pretty sure. Like, I’m 99% sure.”

Noel cocked his head. “Huh… that is not what I thought they looked like… you think I can touch it?”

Cody’s smile broke free now, just beaming fully at Noel’s desire to be one with this tide pool after talking so much shit about Cody’s eagerness.

“I’m… I’m not sure, dude. You could probably google it.”

Noel brought himself down from crouching to sit cross legged and pulled out his phone. Cody sat down now too, suddenly aware of his own fatigue.

“Sea… cucumber… poisonous…” Noel mumbled as he typed. He sat completely still for a moment as he read.

“Aw, man. They can cause an allergic reaction,” Noel said, sounding way too sad. “Oh well. Still dope.”

Noel looked at Cody. “Do you want me to take a picture of you?”

Cody nodded and stretched himself out on his side, propping his head up with one arm. “Do I look like a mermaid?”

“Uhhh… I don’t…”

“That’s- that’s okay. Does my hair look okay?” Cody followed up.

“I mean… it looks fine.”

Noel got up and took a couple photos of Cody before walking towards him and extending his arm to help the man up.

“I’m sweating like a bitch just from being out here for 5 minutes,” Noel said. “I’m going to go back and sit in the shade, but you’re… you know… you’re your own person or whatever.”

“…wait, what?” Cody asked, looking puzzled.

“No, I just…” Noel pointed to the spot where their stuff was and then pointed at Cody. “I’m… if you want… but like, only if you want… the water looks nice, I’m not… I’m not trying to be your dad… there’s fruit, which you know, ‘cause you brought it…”

At some point Noel gave up trying to say what he was trying to say and just started walking towards shade, leaving Cody with no further clarity.

“Uh… no, yeah, I’ll come join you or whatever. I’m definitely a little, uh...”

Cody followed Noel back to their place under the pier. It felt great to be on cool sand and out from the sun. Despite the thin blanket of clouds having slowly made way to an overcast sky, Cody’s face and arms had gone pink from exposure.

“Damn,” Cody said pressing the back of his hand to his cheek. “I definitely underestimated the extent to which I’d lose my base tan in a week.”

Noel pressed his lips together and looked away, pretending like he saw someone he knew and waving.

Cody chuckled as he pulled back the lid on the fruit salad. “I appreciate you holding back, man. I’m… I’m sorry about what I said earlier. I’m still not… you know.”

Noel nodded and picked up a piece of watermelon with his fingers. He hesitated before placing it in his mouth. “You think it’s okay to eat this after having my hands all in that tide pool?”

Cody nodded, his mouth already full of pineapple. “Yeah, I pretty much never wash my hands after surfing.”

Noel groaned and put the fruit in his mouth anyway. “Your crustiness shouldn’t shock me at this point, but I feel like I’m constantly learning something new and gross about your hygiene.”

“Oh, come on. I’m not that gross,” Cody said, a familiar mix of playful and defensive showcased in his voice.

“Whatever, man,” Noel conceded. He grabbed another piece of fruit and rotated his neck as he chewed, pulling it all the way forward and letting it hang all the way back with a wince on his face. He pulled another joint from his fanny pack and lit it.

“Your neck acting up?” Cody asked, mouth full but continuing to shove a piece of honeydew in.

“A little bit, honestly. I got like 3 hours of sleep, and when I sleep in my actual bed I usually have, like, a special pillow configuration. It sounds extra but I swear it helps.”

“Oh, I see,” Cody mocked. “We've got a bit of a- of a pillow princess on our hands.”

Noel laughed and coughed at the same time. “That’s… that’s not what that term means, dude.”

Cody thought about it for a second. “Oh fuck, you’re right. Oh god, how did...”

They both giggled and Cody shook his head in shame.

“So dumb, dude,” Noel muttered, smile still on his face.

Cody burped loudly and continued to giggle. He looked at Noel and raked the longer parts of his hair back and away from his face. Noel could feel him wanting to say something, but Noel stayed overly fixated on the burn of his joint while he listened to Cody needlessly adjusting his clothes.

“But really, uh…” Cody started. “I guess now is as good a time as ever to, you know, I guess apologize for… you know, everything that happened last night.”

Noel uncrossed his legs and leaned forward, resting crossed arms atop his knees.

He looked at Cody and took a deep drag. “I don’t understand this. Why do you want to have this conversation now?” he asked gently as he exhaled. “We’re having a good time.”

Cody shrugged. “Why not?”

Noel could think of about 45 reasons why now was not a good time, but Cody seemed determined, so he just looked forward into the ocean waves while Cody spoke and tried to brace himself.

Cody continued. “I just... man, I- I know that I couldn’t control how badly I was feeling, but I also just want to say that I know that I really, like, asked a lot of you yesterday, or last night or this morning or whatever, you know what I’m saying. Like, I really asked far more of you than is fair to do to a friend.

I’ve really, you know… I have to take responsibility for the fact that I’ve let myself deteriorate, and at the same time I’ve also become, you know, overly dependent on Kelsey to help manage that. What happened last night when she wasn’t there and the extent to which I needed you was basically the ultimate proof of that.”

Cody paused for a little bit to collect himself, but Noel could sense that he still wasn’t done. He watched Cody out of the corner of his eye, thankful for sunglasses, and saw that Cody had pulled his crossed legs up to his chest and was hugging them tightly.

“And, you know, it’s not fair to Kelsey either. She’s her own person with her own shit and her own goals and her own life. She’s 25, she’s not supposed to be my caretaker. She shouldn’t exist as just, you know, a form of support while I pursue my dreams so that I can just do whatever the fuck I want while I pursue them.”

Noel listened as Cody’s tone changed from apologetic to sad to self-loathing and back again.

“I don’t…” Cody stuttered. “Man, I just fucking owe you an apology because I know I really fucked up our boundaries and our relationship really quickly. Like, I don’t know… I remember I made a joke about you having to look at my dick for a long time, but it’s fucked up that that whole shower shit happened.”

“Cody, it’s…” Noel grimaced. “That in particular is not a big deal, man. I’ve seen most of my other homies’ dicks. It just happens sometimes, man. Somebody gets drunk, somebody does a prank, it’s- you know, it’s whatever. Does it make me uncomfortable? Yeah, but that’s my shit, you know? Like… I don’t know, I’m not really homophobic, but I just get uncomfortable with what I perceive as gay shit sometimes, specifically from me. Like, I don’t care what _you_ do or _you_ think or _you_ feel or whatever. I just… I don’t know, I’m uptight or insecure or something. Like, objectively, in isolation, the shower thing: fucked up, but… not the worst. It’s okay.”

Cody exhaled. “I think I understand what you’re trying to say, but I… I need you to acknowledge that you understand that I understand that what happened was fucked up.”

Noel bent his neck slightly and shrugged before looking at Cody. “Yeah, okay, dude. It was, you know, the whole thing was kind of fucked up. I don’t… I don’t think I necessarily need this apology from you, though. I think what you’re doing right now is more about _you_ making _yourself_ feel better for how off the rails shit got. I’m not the one trying to make us have this conversation right now.”

Noel paused as he remembered that he had to drive and tried to extinguish the joint with the sand before continuing.

“I mean… look at it this way. Let’s just remove the dick thing because that’s honestly the least weird part of what happened last night, and in many ways the least weird part of everything that’s happened over, you know, the entire last week. Let’s just fucking rope all that shit together because it’s obviously related even if you didn’t know it was until 5 AM last night or whatever.

Let’s pretend that I had never seen your dick. Let’s pretend when I came over you were just fucking chilling in your diver speedo for some reason. All that aside, the reality is still that you were so mentally and physically fucked up that you were incapacitated. You struggled to communicate your basic needs, you couldn’t undress or bathe yourself, you couldn’t walk or move properly most of the night. It was like caring for an over-sized baby that _then_ went 0 to 60 to a selfish adult male after 4 fucking hours of that shit. It was just an intense and draining experience to be around you in that capacity for that long. Combined with my own shit and my own fatigue, I legitimately fantasized about just laying into you, man.”

Noel sighed and took his hat off, running his hands through his hair. He thought he wasn’t mad at Cody, but the more he talked, the more he uncovered. Noel laughed softly, mostly at himself in surprise at his own anger, but also really thinking about how weird their relationship had gotten in 24 hours.

“This is just… even this, doing this at the beach right now, you’re so… god, you’re just so fucking frustrating sometimes, man. Like, I love you and you’re like a brother to me, but you are stubborn as hell and that stubbornness definitely makes you selfish. This shit, this fucked up _thing_ that now feels like it lives between us, is probably just some version of what has been going on inside of your head for years and years, and for that I am genuinely sorry because it feels awful.”

Noel’s voice cracked at the end of his sentence and he felt himself slipping. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe.

“That… that probably wasn’t the best way I could have said that, but I had to say it, and clearly you already knew it on some level, right? You know you impact people. You know what you put on Kelsey, what you put… fuck, man. I’m sorry. Fuck. God dammit.”

Noel shook his head and then started laughing again. He was afraid to look at Cody because he knew he was probably crying.

“Are we both just fucking insane?” Noel asked, voice getting louder. “Did we just descend into madness on the boat and we’re just never coming back? Did we get hit with that weird radio frequency weapon that they used on those people in Cuba? I feel like shit keeps getting more fucked.”

Noel couldn’t stop talking now.

“Like, we were fine this morning, and then you were upset, and then we were fine again for the most part once we got here, and then now we’re doing this again. Now we’re both upset, and nothing’s better. We have accomplished nothing from this conversation except that I’m pissed and now you probably feel like shit, and so now our personal and our working relationship is probably even more compromised than it was before.”

Noel kept it together until his last couple of words before his voice wavered again. He leaned back and lowered himself down until he was laying flat on the sand. He closed his eyes and he brought one hand to his chest and one to his face to cover his eyes, his sunglasses now resting in his hair. He wasn’t crying but he felt like the dam could break at any moment. Sometime during the man’s monologue it had started to drizzle so softly that it didn’t make a sound.

Cody didn’t say anything. He was already nearby but he scooted himself closer to Noel and laid down so that they were just askew with their heads slightly closer than their bodies.

“Hey,” he said to Noel, voice just loud enough to be heard over the waves, his eyes now closed too. “It’s okay. I… You’re definitely right, I am upset… but that’s not because you said anything wrong. You’re right. You’re right about everything.”

For what felt like years, the only thing Cody heard was just the fuzzy sound of the waves lapping over each other. Finally, Noel’s voice broke through.

“I’m so fucking tired, Cody,” Noel confessed, his voice monotone and barely audible. “Physically, emotionally, just… everything.”

Cody pulled in as much air as he could and then let his lungs collapse.

“Let’s just… let’s just rest here for a moment. I think we both just need to rest.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ao3 comments are my love language
> 
> [you can find me on tumblr](https://sodaplease.tumblr.com/)


	4. Passenger Seat

Cody opened his eyes to darkness and blinked in confusion. He was cold and he could hear the ocean and his feet were wet.

“Oh, shit.”

He sat up fast enough to make his head spin and pulled his feet towards himself as he realized what had happened: they had passed out under the pier and the tide was coming in. 

“Noel, you gotta wake up.” He placed his hand firmly on Noel’s bicep and shook the man gently.

Noel took a sharp inhale as he roused. “What…?”

He pushed himself up and scooted back from the encroaching water as he felt it lap his feet.

“Jesus, what…" He looked around in the darkness. "Oh god, is our stuff still here?”

Small slivers of light broke through the slats of wood in the walkway of the pier and illuminated fragments of their scattered belongings. Noel sighed in relief as he found and picked up his phone.

_8:47_

“It's almost 9 o' clock… how fucking long were we asleep?”

Cody shook his head. He was sitting totally still, staring at the ocean and trying to make sense of the time they’d lost.

Noel slowly pushed himself up to a standing position and brushed the sand off his clothes. Cody was still in a sleepy trance. Noel waved his hand in front of Cody’s face.

“Hey, grab your shit. We gotta go. It’s a miracle we haven’t been popped for trespassing since these beaches usually close at sundown.”

Noel extended his hand and Cody took it, pulling himself up. He brushed the sand off his backside and stretched.

“Wait… where are our shoes?” Noel wondered aloud.

Noel turned on the light on his phone and shone it over everything around them.

Cody chuckled. “Wait… did someone take our fucking shoes and leave our phones and wallets? What the hell?”

Noel shook his head in disbelief. He illuminated the area again and watched the sea foam come up to meet his toes.

“Oh, fuck, dude. They probably got swept out.”

“Oh my god, we’re so fucking dumb,” Cody groaned.

Noel sighed and put his fanny pack on before doing one more sweep with his phone light.

He turned towards the car and started walking without a word, Cody following suit with his phone alight in one hand and the fruit salad in another.

The walk back to the car was treacherous as they navigated the uneven terrain with their bodies still sluggish and just the light of their phones. They eventually reached the forgiving brown sand that signaled that they were halfway to the car.

“Oh shit, Kelsey’s calling me.” Cody stopped walking and brought his phone up to his ear and giggled. “Hewwooo.”

Predictably, Noel made it to the car much faster than Cody. He sat in the driver’s seat again and watched as Cody leisurely shuffled through the soft sand as he babbled on the phone with Kelsey. As he came closer to the car’s high beams, Noel noticed that the man’s hair looked even worse than it did that morning (impressive) and his clothes were disheveled and still covered in sand.

Noel fought the urge to hit the horn and scare the shit out of him, but he figured the man had been through enough.

Cody finally made it to the passenger door as he wrapped up his call with Kelsey.

“Okay… okay, yeah, will do… yeah, I’m not sure, but probably not later than 11:30... Traffic should be pretty light... Okay… See you soon... Love you… Bye”

Cody pulled himself into the driver’s seat, placing the soggy fruit salad on the middle console.

“Uh, you want me to put this in the backseat?” Noel asked, pointing at the container.

“Oh, no, I’m going to have a little bit.”

Noel sucked air between his teeth and chuckled. “You… just… stay nasty, man.”

Cody clicked his seat belt and grabbed the container. “It’s fruit, Noel. It’s not going to kill me.”

Noel played along as he drove them out of the parking lot. “Yeah, I bet those little, you know, tide pool amoebas or whatever will add a nice flavor.”

Cody had a chunk of fruit in his mouth already and shook his head. “You don’t get that amoeba thing, the amoeba whatever it’s called, from eating them. They go through your nose.”

“Wait… is that true? How do you know that?”

Cody scoffed. “I used to wakeboard a lot back home and it’s an issue in lakes when they reach a certain temp or something.”

Noel laughed softly and nodded. “Ah. Of course you used to wakeboard. Of course.”

Cody put more fruit in his mouth. “What’s wrong with wakeboarding? Have you done it? It’s pretty fun.”

“I mean, there’s nothing wrong with wakeboarding itself, but it’s definitely up there in the top 10 list of Shit White People Like.” Noel paused to think. “I’d say it’s not as high as breakfast casseroles, but it’s definitely above Macklemore and committing coupon fraud.”

“No, dude. You’re wrong about this one. Wakeboarding is not a white people thing.”

“Okay. Entertain me on this. Think of the last time you went wakeboarding.”

Cody nodded. “Okay, it was less than a year ago when I was in Montana.”

“You remember it well?”

Cody shrugged. “Yeah, pretty well. I was sober, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Noel chuckled. “It wasn’t, but okay... Anyway, think about the people you saw at the lake that day, the people you went with, the people you saw actually wakeboard… how many of those people weren’t white?”

Cody stared straight ahead for several seconds and then closed his eyes and let his head fall back.

“Goddammit.”

Noel smiled and nodded. “Mmhmm.”

Cody dug through the container of fruit to find more pineapple.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you: Kelsey is coming back early, she’ll be here tonight. She says hi and thanks for being such a good boyfriend while she was gone.”

Noel raised his eyebrows. “Oh… oh, you must be stoked for her to be back.”

Cody exhaled and shook his head softly. “You have no idea, man. It’s crazy how used to being around someone you get. I mean, I don’t have to tell you.”

“Yeah, definitely.” Noel took a deep breath and nodded. “Definitely.”

The car was filled with the smooth hum of highway road now. Cody leaned on the window and watched the light poles approach and pass, over and over again.

Noel queued up some ambient trip hop in hopes of filling the space between their bodies and the home stretch. He felt Cody look at him several times over the next 30 minutes and waited for the man to say something, but the silence persisted until they came to Cody’s exit.

“What a fucking day, huh? What a fucking 24 hours,” Cody marveled softly.

Within minutes they were rolling up to the curb of Cody’s place.

Noel shut off the car and tossed Cody the keys. He and Cody peeled their bodies out of the car and stood on the sidewalk.

The men stood several feet apart, hands in pockets and nodding awkwardly, unsure of how to depart each other’s company. The normal conventions for saying goodbye didn’t feel like enough. Finally, Noel put his things on the hood of Cody’s car and brought the man in for a hug.

This hug was different, better, and stronger than any that Noel had had recently. He’d become accustomed to the ritualistic and physically distant one-armed hugs he shared with his peers, but this had meaning; this had intent.

Cody and Noel both breathed into the embrace. Noel gently rubbed Cody’s back.

“Everything’s gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay. You know that, right?”

Noel could feel Cody’s jaw tremble and clench in response as he fought back tears. Cody held his breath and then finally pushed out a shaky exhale.

“Yeah, I- I know… and you too, you know? We’re both gonna be okay."

Cody brought his mouth closer to Noel's ear. "I love you, Noel.”

Cody gave a final punctuating squeeze, a compression that shocked Noel’s body so hard it nearly winded him, before stepping back to wipe his face on his sleeve and turn towards his house.

Noel watched Cody’s usually agile body slowly and carefully climb the steps to his door. He turned to face Noel when he reached the landing.

“Hey, I know it’s late, but… you wanna come in? I can give you your clothes and some stuff to take home. I have a ton of food.”

Noel smiled weakly and shook his head before responding softly. “Thanks, but… I should really get back to Aleena. We both know what’s gonna happen if I go in there with you.”

Cody locked eyes with Noel, overwhelmed with all the possible layers of meaning that existed in that moment. He then nodded in affirmation and turned around to unlock his door. He let himself inside without a word and without looking back.

Noel stood on the sidewalk for several minutes, looking at Cody’s door under the glow of fluorescent light. Finally he unlocked his own car and poured his tired body inside. He rested his head on the steering wheel and turned the ignition on, grateful for the music that sang out loud enough to deafen the ache in his heart.

_I love you too, Cody._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last installment of Decoding.  
> I'm sorry there's no neat ending. That's life, baby.
> 
> Title from Passenger Seat by Death Cab for Cutie [click to listen on yt](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0Iv4onsrIE)
> 
> You can find me on tumblr [here](https://sodaplease.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Thanks again for all the comments and support about this series. I can't express how much it's meant to me.


End file.
